Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Fingerpainting

Well, I am half-way done with finals. Two down and two to go. I swear I can feel my mother telling me I should be studying.

While on the topic of moms, Ginny’ s mother is in town. Ginny has devised a grand scheme whereby the two of them are going to sew some shirts. I can foresee a debacle. Maybe I’ll try to get Ginny to model the shirts for a blog pic; I wouldn’t hold your breath. Ginny is to attention as Matt is to mowing.

We have a new design. Hope you like it. Thanks Paul.

We continue to be amazed by e-mails and responses. Although the craziness of life has not allowed us to respond, we intend to…thank you.

I set out today to do an impossible task. I feel my heart has turned a corner, and I long to describe the process; but, as is typical, when something deep happens inside, relaying to another only leaves me knowing I described a finger-painting of the Picasso.

For the 6 months following Eliot’s life, my walk with the Lord has been in a weird place. As I have mentioned before, everything is viewed through a new lens. This is good; everything once held dear is now up for debate. Nothing escapes mandatory scrutiny when all that was your life is tested and tossed and put to the fire.

Worship (and by worship I mean my definition- songs, instruments, etc. & not the Lord’s- everything I do) was a particularly difficult process for me. I knew, despite my circumstances, that God was worthy of worship, but no longer would I sing something simply because it was on the screen.

Thus, I quietly prayed through many songs that I did not feel that I could sing. This was not an exercise of anger or my feeble attempt to get back at God. I just desired that my song be one from my heart. And so I quietly weighed the words of each song and sang along when I could.

It seems to me that many songs have a message comprised of the following:

God is able.
And God is going to come through for you.

Well, maybe it’s the law school, but I felt that these songs needed an asterisk with a footnote or maybe one of the pastors talking really fast at the end- like on a used car commercial- detailing the song’s stipulations.

This week was different. I sang the songs that I had earlier sat mute through.
However, I still think the talking head at the end of each song just might have a future; and for sure a purpose.
But I sang.

I sang because:
I worship God for what He has already done.
I worship God, not out of a heart of understanding, but a heart of surrender.

And, for the first time I was able to praise a God who could have healed my son but did not.




I’ll continue this conversation next week because my mom wins- I’ve got to study.

9 comments:

Sarah said...

Thank you for sharing. I really appreciate the authenticity found here, and I continue to pray for you both.

I can relate to this post. I have had the same experience of not being able to sing certain songs in certain seasons of life because of a desire to be authentic in my interaction with God. I look at king David in scripture and see some similarities.

You have grabbed ahold of a signficant victory in your worship of God for what He has done, even in the midst of not understanding what He hasn't done.

Matthew 11:2-6 is a relevant passage "Blessed is he who does not take offense at Me." Jesus (the one who came to set the captives free and bring life) says this to John the Baptist (who is imprisoned and about to die). Why didn't Jesus deliver John? I don't know, nor do I understand, but "The blind see, the lame walk, the dead are raised, and the poor have the gospel preached to them." Thank you guys for worshipping God for what He HAS DONE and is doing. Your focus is right on! I am still so sorry for your loss, and please forgive my feeble attempt to encourage you. I hesitate, because I don't want to be presumptuous or flippant. But I hope you can hear my heart in it.

And I am so encouraged and inspired by your faithfulness in the midst of this fire. Your reward will be great...

Leslie said...

I really like the new look of the blog. I hope you do well on your finals. As usual, I really appreciate the honesty in your posts.

**HAS** been studying too much said...

waiting is to strength as 99 balloons is to me

Isaiah 40:28-30

(Thanks)

Sarah's In the Midst of It said...

"And, for the first time I was able to praise a God who could have healed my son but did not."

That's huge. Thank you for continuing to be so authentic about your grief and your faith, without painting big smiley faces over everything. I don't think God wants me to have a shallow, comfortable faith. I think He wants me to believe not because it's an option, but because I have nothing left.

Melody said...

I have just come across your blog and wanted to share a song with you. You probably already know it... "Trust His Heart" by Babbie Mason. I delivered 22 week old triplet boys two years ago and all my life my faith HAS moved mountains, but all at once, that faith was shattered.
Here are the words...

All things work for our good
though sometimes we can't see how they could
struggles that break our hearts in two
sometimes blinds us to the truth

Our Father knows what's best for us
His ways are not our own
So when your pathway grows dim, and you just can't see Him
Remember you're never alone

God is too wise to be mistaken
God is too good to be unkind
So when you don't understand
When you don't see His plan
When you can't trace His hand
Trust His heart

He sees the master plan
And He holds our future in His hands
So don't live as those who have no hope
All our hope is found in Him

We see the present clearly
But He sees the first and the last
And like a tapestry He's weaving you and me to someday be just like Him

God is too wise to be mistaken
God is too good to be unkind
So when you don't understand
When you don't see His plan
When you can't trace His hand
Trust His heart

He alone is faithful and true
He alone knows what is best for you
So when you don't understand
When you don't see His plan
When you can't trace His hand trust His heart.

I used to sing this in church until it had a new meaning for me.
You all are in my heart!

Melody Gentry in TN

FunkyMonkeyJunk said...

Desiring to worship from the heart and not just because there's words on the screen.

I SO get that. And I'd like to think that God wouldn't want it any other way.

The Trons said...

I love you guys. I pray for you guys...that God would lead you to a place that is higher than us. I can't wait to see you in STL in a couple of weeks!
Cary

Rena said...

You hit the nail on the head. After my miscarriage four months ago, the praising Psalms and songs literally seemed like a foreign language. I remember thinking, "How can that possibly apply to me??" I love your disclaimer thoughts.
I'm glad you've reached a point of surrender. That is so huge. But it seems that this is what this journey is all about, doesn't it?
Anyway, thanks for your posts. They've helped me in my journey, too.
Blessings on the studying.

Steph VG said...

I'm a latecomer to this post, but I appreciate it more than I could express coherently. I've taken the liberty of directing my own two blog-readers here, and of quoting a portion, as well (I hope that's ok - if not, I'll take it down). Thank you for your transparency, as the Lord is certainly using you in the Body of Christ to "spur [us] on to love and good deeds." May God bless your family.

PS: MELODY, that's one of my favorite songs, too.